10-Year Anniversary   15 comments

“Sometimes I feel like I just sort of let life take me wherever it wanted. I didn’t take any responsibility, you know… I just kind of coasted. I should’ve done things different.”

I wrote something completely different before this, but I decided to delete it and start over…

I’m about to go into my senior year of college and I’ve been thinking a lot about how old I am now. Every day when I look in the mirror, I worry about my new forehead wrinkle. It seems like I just woke up with it one day. But in reality, it had been slowly forming for years. I just didn’t notice it until it was permanent.

That’s kind of what happens when time goes by. It feels sudden.

I still remember making a Club Penguin account at my friend Alexa’s house. Sometimes it feels like yesterday.

Suddenly, I’m 21. What if I wake up tomorrow and I’m 30, and nothing has changed?

I’m not really happy with my life, and it’s mostly my fault. I made bad choices. I wish I could go back in time and make better choices. But the problem is, even if I could go back, who’s to say I wouldn’t do exactly what I’m doing now? It’s like, have I actually learned anything?

For example… college is almost over, and I have very little to show for it. I wanted to use those years to make progress in my life. I wanted to get healthy and get rid of my social anxiety. But I tried to do too many things at once… I ended up wasting most of my time on random things like watching Netflix.

When I was younger, my social anxiety caused me to isolate myself, so I didn’t have any friends. Now that I’m older, I’m trying to get rid of it… I’m supposed to be practicing certain things (cognitive behavioral therapy) to get over my social anxiety, but I’m so lazy and bad at implementation.

To make matters worse, I don’t have a lot of time left in this environment with social opportunities everywhere. After I graduate, it seems like it’ll be much harder. I’ll be working a 9-to-5 job, and then I’ll probably be too tired to do things after work. Pretty soon everyone starts getting married and having kids and then it’s like no one has time for friends anymore.

I didn’t realize this for a long time, or I didn’t think it applied to me, but life has a certain pattern that people follow. You get a job, get married, have kids, and that’s that. If you don’t get it right, you wind up bitter and lonely. I’m worried that if I keep isolating myself, that will happen to me.

It seems like other people have anchors. They have established social circles, career goals, and significant others. While everyone else was hitting their developmental milestones, I was at home reading internet articles. So I feel like I’m just kind of drifting.

I feel like I’m running out of time to do something with my life, and soon I’ll be old and irrelevant. When I was younger I thought I would “contribute” something meaningful to the world. Instead, I haven’t really accomplished anything. People who aren’t as smart as me are doing better than me.

It seems like every year it’s the same thing. “I could have done things differently but now it’s too late.” I just want to stop that from happening anymore. How can I avoid wasting the next 10 years?

I thought I had so much time to change. When you’re young, people always tell you, “You have time.” Until all of a sudden you don’t anymore. And then it’s time to get real.

Looking back, I just didn’t take responsibility for my choices. Somehow I felt like I wasn’t even in control of my own choices, if that makes sense.

Slowly, over time, those choices etched themselves into my personality. Like a wrinkle.

I just finished watching a Netflix series called Bloodline, and it had this great line:

“Sometimes I feel like I just sort of let life take me wherever it wanted. I didn’t take any responsibility, you know… I just kind of coasted. I should’ve done things different.”

Yeah, that’s me.

Posted January 1, 2017 by Db Penguin in Uncategorized

15 responses to “10-Year Anniversary

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  1. Dani, you didn’t share your life!
    To make a ten year long story short.. I graduated the university of Albany with a bachelors in criminal justice. I am now a correction officer on Rikers island, and I live in NYC. I’m right where I want to be in life. I still think of this from time to time. This was my childhood. I hope all of your lives have been as fulfilling and full of adventure as mine has.

    Your old friend,
    Sean (snowprince13)

  2. I’m sure none of you fellows know who I am or will remember the name “BenjaHa” (though I did go by Jasper). It is very interesting to see how time has flew. I too have heard of the closing of club penguin and immediately thought o this place. I was younger than you guys by a year or two I think at the time and I join this group almost a month before it disbanded. I remember proudly dressing my little penguin in whatever orange blue items and skins I had and flood servers along side you guys. At times, I’d join the chats just watch you guys talk. Whenever Dani came on, I just had so much respect for you, well as much as my 10 year old mind could fathom. I can go on and on about how CP got me though some tough times, but to be honest I’m just happy I got to spend the little time I did with you fellow. From chanting the name to beefing with the other groups/gangs, you guys were perhaps the most interesting group I’ve ever encountered. And though time has made wise old salts of us all to a degree, I warrant you to think back, as you all must, not at just the good times, but the experience of it all. I’ll always be grateful.. for all of it, every last day, and every last hour, up until bedtime.

    Thanks for the moments,

    • Additional, to leave a bit of an update of my current situation.

      By in those older days I was a recluse, like most, waiting anxiously to run home to see you guys and my other friends on CP. As the years progressed, so did the level of awareness of my existence. Slowly I feel into a year and a half long depression, ultimately prompting myself over and over with the same question, “what was the meaning of it all?” I had fell into the abyss to say the least. That unthinkable dark place where light is just an idea. I spent a couple of months in a ward, dealing with my depression, and I was back on my feet. I got really heavy into running, and became an all-american in high school. Sadly, depression comes in waves. I struggled for the next couple of years, up until now. I’m a chemical engineering major, but I’m taking a semester off because I’m afraid of God knows what. I’m currently working at the Genius Bar/Forum at Apple.

      God, I wish I were cooler by now, but here I am. I hope you guys are doing well.

  3. Club Penguin is closing as of March 29, 2017. This will be your last time for any kind of a meet-up if any one is interested. I hope you are all doing well.

    Peace Out.

  4. Db Penguin, I am trying to research the history of CPAF, is there a way you can give me a list of all the leaders that were in CPAF, in ORDER from first to last?

  5. Rest in peace Pengu….

  6. Hoping you’re doing well. Not gonna lie, I still kind of worry that I might have doomed you to some horrible fate (regardless of anything).

    Saw that this post was edited, and felt like I should say something (because I am paranoid).

    But yeah, offer is still on the table – if you need help, you know how to contact me.

    John (Snowyowl)
  7. Hey Dani, this is Spade. I don’t know if you remember me or not. Anyways I was feeling nostalgic so I went searching through all the old Club Penguin blogs, and I found your post.

    What a heartfelt post! Just know I hear you. In fact your post resonated with me because I understand exactly what you’re saying. I’ve thought about the exact same things. Just keep your head up! We’re still young and there’s plenty of time ahead of us. And that shouldn’t be an excuse to put things off, but rather to show it’s not too late! We’re all so young and there’s so many new memories ready to be made, and unforeseen opportunities to come! Anyways I hope you’re doing well and I wish you the best! 🙂

    Wow I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since we were playing Club Penguin and chatting on those xat chat boxes. I really had fun with you guys! I wouldn’t mind re-connecting with everyone after all these years!

    • Hey Spade, I remember you, for sure! I always check back here when I get nostalgic… It’s actually been even longer now. It’s been 11 years now. Yikes. I might make another post today, not sure. I can’t believe a year has passed since I wrote THIS post, even.

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