10 Years Gone   16 comments

“Sometimes I feel like I just sort of let life take me wherever it wanted. I didn’t take any responsibility, you know… I just kind of coasted. I should’ve done things different.”

I wrote something completely different before this, but I decided to delete it all and start over. I feel like talking to someone, even if I’m just talking to myself.

I’m about to go into my senior year of college and I’ve been thinking excessively about how old I am now. Every day when I look in the mirror, I zoom in on my new forehead wrinkle. It seems like I just woke up with it one day, but that obviously isn’t what really happened. I just didn’t notice it until it was permanent. It creeped up on me. Maybe that’s why it bothers me so much. It makes me feel like time is creeping up on me. All of a sudden I’m 21. Tomorrow I might be 30. What have I been doing with my life?

Sometimes it feels like I was at my friend Alexa’s house making a Club Penguin account yesterday. It’s bizarre. I wish I could go back and do things differently. But the problem is, even if I could go back, who’s to say I wouldn’t do exactly what I’m doing now? It’s like, have I really learned anything?

For example. College is almost over, and I have nothing to show for it. I wanted to use those years to make progress. I was gonna get healthy and get rid of my social anxiety. But I wasted them on random things like watching Netflix. I guess I tried to do too many things at once.

My social anxiety caused me to isolate myself and not have any friends, which was one of the reasons I needed CPAF. But now, I know I need real friends. I’m supposed to be practicing certain things to get over my social anxiety, but I don’t have a lot of time left in this environment with social opportunities everywhere. After I graduate, it’s going to be harder. I’ll be working a 9-to-5 job, and then I’ll probably be too tired to do things after work, and soon everyone starts getting married and having kids and then it’s like no one has time for friends anymore.

I didn’t realize this for a long time, or I didn’t think it applied to me, but life has a certain pattern that people follow. You get a job, get married, have kids, and that’s that. If you don’t get it right, you wind up bitter and lonely. You don’t belong anywhere. I’m worried that if I keep isolating myself, that will happen to me.

It seems like other people have anchors. They have established social circles, career goals, and significant others. While everyone else was hitting their developmental milestones, socializing and having friends and dating, I was at home reading internet articles. So I feel unprepared. I have no anchor, I’m drifting.

It’s also a waste of potential. I know it’s vain, but I thought when I was younger that I was special. I thought I would “contribute” something meaningful. Instead, I haven’t really accomplished anything. People who aren’t as smart as me are doing better than me. I’m running out of time to do something with my life. I’m rapidly becoming old and irrelevant.

My mind is stuck on this, “I could have done things differently but now it’s too late.” I just want to stop this from happening anymore. How can I avoid wasting the next 10 years?

There’s a giant gulf between who I want to be and who I am. I’ve degenerated into something so far below what I thought I was capable of that it’s making me stop and re-evaluate everything.

It might have to do with this pattern of mine. I’ll get all motivated and excited about something, celebrate with some impulsive pleasure-seeking behavior, resolve to do things differently starting tomorrow… and then fall back into old habits. I sustained this continually because I thought I had so much time. “You have time,” people always say. What a perfect formula for wasting your life.

Looking back, I never really took responsibility for my life. I kept waiting for someone to give me permission to do what I really wanted to do. I treated my life like it didn’t matter.

But, all the little things that didn’t matter created my current state.

I just finished watching this Netflix series (the irony) called Bloodline, and it had this great line. “Sometimes I feel like I just sort of let life take me wherever it wanted. I didn’t take any responsibility, you know… I just kind of coasted. I should’ve done things different.”

Yeah, that’s me.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted January 1, 2017 by dani in Uncategorized

16 responses to “10 Years Gone

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  1. Dani, you didn’t share your life!
    To make a ten year long story short.. I graduated the university of Albany with a bachelors in criminal justice. I am now a correction officer on Rikers island, and I live in NYC. I’m right where I want to be in life. I still think of this from time to time. This was my childhood. I hope all of your lives have been as fulfilling and full of adventure as mine has.

    Your old friend,
    Sean (snowprince13)

    • MUH BRUH

      SAME MAJOR AS ME

    • Sean, to me you always seemed like the type of person who really “had it together” somehow. Like you kind of knew where you were going in life. I’m glad I’m not wrong about that. I envy you though. A lot of people used to suck up to me in the old days because I was leader (which can be flattering but gets very old), but you never did. I thought you were a more grounded person than I am and I still respect that about you. I’m glad it worked out and you’re really where you want to be in life. Some people who posted on the last post have somewhat tragic stories so I wanted to be motivational, but it seems like you don’t really need it cause you’re doing good. Hopefully most people are like that. You’re right by the way, I didn’t share my story. I wanted other people to go first but no one is here. )’: Still hoping some more people will show up and say hi.

  2. I’m sure none of you fellows know who I am or will remember the name “BenjaHa” (though I did go by Jasper). It is very interesting to see how time has flew. I too have heard of the closing of club penguin and immediately thought o this place. I was younger than you guys by a year or two I think at the time and I join this group almost a month before it disbanded. I remember proudly dressing my little penguin in whatever orange blue items and skins I had and flood servers along side you guys. At times, I’d join the chats just watch you guys talk. Whenever Dani came on, I just had so much respect for you, well as much as my 10 year old mind could fathom. I can go on and on about how CP got me though some tough times, but to be honest I’m just happy I got to spend the little time I did with you fellow. From chanting the name to beefing with the other groups/gangs, you guys were perhaps the most interesting group I’ve ever encountered. And though time has made wise old salts of us all to a degree, I warrant you to think back, as you all must, not at just the good times, but the experience of it all. I’ll always be grateful.. for all of it, every last day, and every last hour, up until bedtime.

    Thanks for the moments,
    Jaz

    • Additional, to leave a bit of an update of my current situation.

      By in those older days I was a recluse, like most, waiting anxiously to run home to see you guys and my other friends on CP. As the years progressed, so did the level of awareness of my existence. Slowly I feel into a year and a half long depression, ultimately prompting myself over and over with the same question, “what was the meaning of it all?” I had fell into the abyss to say the least. That unthinkable dark place where light is just an idea. I spent a couple of months in a ward, dealing with my depression, and I was back on my feet. I got really heavy into running, and became an all-american in high school. Sadly, depression comes in waves. I struggled for the next couple of years, up until now. I’m a chemical engineering major, but I’m taking a semester off because I’m afraid of God knows what. I’m currently working at the Genius Bar/Forum at Apple.

      God, I wish I were cooler by now, but here I am. I hope you guys are doing well.

  3. Club Penguin is closing as of March 29, 2017. This will be your last time for any kind of a meet-up if any one is interested. I hope you are all doing well.

    Peace Out.

  4. Db Penguin, I am trying to research the history of CPAF, is there a way you can give me a list of all the leaders that were in CPAF, in ORDER from first to last?

    • Really? I’m surprised you care lmao. Okay, by leader do you mean leader of the entire thing, or just important people in general? In Hall of Fame there’s a list of the main people who were in CPAF. Honestly we didn’t really keep track of things very well, I’ve deleted everything on the site like 5 different times. But you can go on Wayback Machine and probably find what you need there… maybe.

  5. Rest in peace Pengu….

  6. Hoping you’re doing well. Not gonna lie, I still kind of worry that I might have doomed you to some horrible fate (regardless of anything).

    Saw that this post was edited, and felt like I should say something (because I am paranoid).

    But yeah, offer is still on the table – if you need help, you know how to contact me.

    John (Snowyowl)
  7. Hey Dani, this is Spade. I don’t know if you remember me or not. Anyways I was feeling nostalgic so I went searching through all the old Club Penguin blogs, and I found your post.

    What a heartfelt post! Just know I hear you. In fact your post resonated with me because I understand exactly what you’re saying. I’ve thought about the exact same things. Just keep your head up! We’re still young and there’s plenty of time ahead of us. And that shouldn’t be an excuse to put things off, but rather to show it’s not too late! We’re all so young and there’s so many new memories ready to be made, and unforeseen opportunities to come! Anyways I hope you’re doing well and I wish you the best! 🙂

    Wow I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since we were playing Club Penguin and chatting on those xat chat boxes. I really had fun with you guys! I wouldn’t mind re-connecting with everyone after all these years!

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