10 Years Passed   14 comments

“Sometimes I feel like I just sort of let life take me wherever it wanted. I didn’t take any responsibility, you know… I just kind of coasted. I should’ve done things different.”

I wrote something completely different before this, but I decided to delete it all and start over, I want to make it a lot more personal. More like one of my old “drama” posts that I always used to do. I’m hoping this will have more of an effect on people. I know other people must be going through similar things. Plus I feel like talking to someone, even if I’m just talking to myself. I really have no plan for this, so I may go off on a tangent…

I’m about to go into my senior year of college and I’ve been thinking a lot about the past. I just can’t stop thinking about how old I am. Every day I look in the mirror and I discover myself analyzing this new forehead wrinkle I have. It seems like I just woke up with it one day, except that it can’t really have happened like that. I think that’s why I’m so obsessed with it. Time creeps up on you without you noticing. All of a sudden you wake up one day and you’re 21. You don’t notice it happening. Tomorrow I might wake up and be 30. It makes me concerned about how I’m spending my time.

Sometimes it feels like I was at my friend Alexa’s house making a Club Penguin account yesterday. It’s bizarre. This all gives new meaning to the phrase “I’m so much older than I can take” (from the Killers song “All These Things That I’ve Done” in case you were interested). I keep wishing I could go back, although I bet that if I did, I would just do everything the same again, because I’m not sure if I’ve actually changed my ways at all, despite being older.

The way I feel is like this. College is almost over, and I have nothing to show for it. I wanted to use those years to make progress on certain things, but I wasted them on watching Netflix or something – I don’t even know what I was doing honestly. That’s how unfocused I was. For one thing, I wanted to use my college years to get over my social anxiety. But I haven’t done that, and now I only have a year left. After I graduate, it’s going to be harder to find social opportunities because I’ll be working a 9-5 job, and then everyone is too tired to hang out after work, and then soon everyone starts getting married and having kids and then it’s like no one has time for a social life anymore. And I didn’t realize this. It all came on so fast. It seems like everyone else has roots – they have an established group of friends, adequate social skills… so it probably won’t be that hard for them to find someone to settle down with. But me, I’m way behind.

I can see this whole pattern of life unfolding in front of me, and I didn’t really prepare for it. I guess I thought it didn’t apply to me. But the way things really are, it’s like – you graduate college, get a job, get married, have kids, and that’s that. But I don’t know how I’m gonna do any of those things. Because while everyone else was hitting their developmental milestones, socializing and having friends and boyfriends/girlfriends, I was at home reading internet articles. Like I said, I’m not prepared. It’s like I have no anchor, I’m just floating. Other people found a place to belong, but I’m still in flux. I’m scared of getting older and not finding anywhere that I belong. “Belonging is the best.” (Watch Cowboy Bebop.) It seems like I only have around 10 years to do it. I thought I didn’t need anyone but really I do, and it’s a little late for that.

There’s also the issue of my potential. I know it sounds a little vain, but I really thought when I was younger that I would do something important. I thought I was a special person who would contribute meaningful things to this world. But in spite of this ‘potential’ I haven’t really accomplished anything. I have nothing to show for it. People who aren’t as smart as me are doing better than me. It feels like I’m running out of time to make something out of myself, and I’m rapidly becoming irrelevant. Meaning, the older you get, the less people give a shit about you.

My mind is stuck on this ugly mantra that goes, “I could have done things differently but now it’s too late.” Over and over. I just want to try to stop this from happening anymore. How can I avoid wasting the next 10 years? Is it possible to live life without regrets? Is it possible to make the most out of each day? Life is a collection of days, so if I make the most out of each day, then I’ll have lived a good life, right? (This is starting to sound ridiculous.) Look, I just don’t want to waste my time anymore. I don’t need things to be perfect but I want to actually be making progress. I want to actualize myself. So this is kind of an exploration of that. Maybe it’ll help you realize something about yourself too.

In my last post I was phrasing everything as if I was talking about someone else, but really I was talking about myself. When I was a teenager, I had an image in my head of who I wanted to be. I’ve always been pretty clear about that. But I’m not even close to that person. There’s a giant gulf between who I want to be and who I am. I’ve languished. Really I’ve degenerated, into something so far below what I thought I was capable of that it’s making me stop and re-evaluate everything. So I’ve been asking myself why my life turned out like this.

Well, I had this pattern, which seems rather obvious now. I would get motivated by picturing my ideal self in my head, I’d get this hopeful feeling like everything would turn out fine, I would celebrate with some impulsive pleasure-seeking behavior, resolve to do things differently starting tomorrow… and then fall back into old habits, and repeat the cycle. And I sustained this for so long because I thought I had so much time that it didn’t matter. I would just eventually “figure it out.” I put it off for my future self to deal with.

Looking back, I never really took the reins of my own life. I waited around for someone to tell me what to do, or to give me permission to do what I really wanted (which no one will ever give you, by the way). Worst of all, I thought I had all the time in the world. So I treated my life like it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered today because I always had tomorrow.

The truth was, everything I did mattered. Especially the small things. They created me. That’s why I’m like this.

Everything I’ve done has mattered. A sobering thought.

If nothing you do matters, then you don’t have to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions. But if everything you do matters, you have to take responsibility for the consequences of everything you do. So I can see why I avoided it, because that’s a rather heavy burden. But the alternative is to turn into… whatever it is I’ve become, to be honest. But I want more.

I just finished watching this Netflix series set in the Keys (I used to vacation there a lot when I was a kid) called Bloodline, and it had this great line. One of the characters said, “Sometimes I feel like I just sort of let life take me wherever it wanted. I didn’t take any responsibility, you know… I just kind of coasted. I should’ve done things different.”

Yeah. That’s me.

I highly recommend that series, by the way. It’s all about telling the truth. In fact it seems like everything I’ve liked, every piece of art that really spoke to me has been trying to tell me the same thing. I think every meaningful piece of art is a call to action. You act differently because of it, that’s what makes it meaningful. Hopefully this post will inspire you to act differently… I mean it hardly qualifies as art, but…

Thanks for reading my sappy post. I still don’t have it quite figured out, but one thing I’m sure of is that everything I do matters, and I need to act like it, if I want to live a meaningful life. I hope you take that piece of wisdom and tuck it in your pocket, and carry it around with you for the rest of your days.

I really want to talk to you guys and see how you’re doing, so please post something down there in the comments. I want this comments section to be glorious. I’m really hoping that it grows into something we can all look back on years from now and get nostalgic about. If you have anyone’s contact info, would you link them to this post and get them to comment, by the way? I want to hear from you guys… I’m lonely. )’:

Best Wishes,

Danielle

 

Don’t put yourself on the backburner, or you’re gonna let yourself down.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted January 1, 2017 by dani in Uncategorized

14 responses to “10 Years Passed

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  1. Dani, you didn’t share your life!
    To make a ten year long story short.. I graduated the university of Albany with a bachelors in criminal justice. I am now a correction officer on Rikers island, and I live in NYC. I’m right where I want to be in life. I still think of this from time to time. This was my childhood. I hope all of your lives have been as fulfilling and full of adventure as mine has.

    Your old friend,
    Sean (snowprince13)

    • MUH BRUH

      SAME MAJOR AS ME

    • Sean, to me you always seemed like the type of person who really “had it together” somehow. Like you kind of knew where you were going in life. I’m glad I’m not wrong about that. I envy you though. A lot of people used to suck up to me in the old days because I was leader (which can be flattering but gets very old), but you never did. I thought you were a more grounded person than I am and I still respect that about you. I’m glad it worked out and you’re really where you want to be in life. Some people who posted on the last post have somewhat tragic stories so I wanted to be motivational, but it seems like you don’t really need it cause you’re doing good. Hopefully most people are like that. You’re right by the way, I didn’t share my story. I wanted other people to go first but no one is here. )’: Still hoping some more people will show up and say hi.

  2. I’m sure none of you fellows know who I am or will remember the name “BenjaHa” (though I did go by Jasper). It is very interesting to see how time has flew. I too have heard of the closing of club penguin and immediately thought o this place. I was younger than you guys by a year or two I think at the time and I join this group almost a month before it disbanded. I remember proudly dressing my little penguin in whatever orange blue items and skins I had and flood servers along side you guys. At times, I’d join the chats just watch you guys talk. Whenever Dani came on, I just had so much respect for you, well as much as my 10 year old mind could fathom. I can go on and on about how CP got me though some tough times, but to be honest I’m just happy I got to spend the little time I did with you fellow. From chanting the name to beefing with the other groups/gangs, you guys were perhaps the most interesting group I’ve ever encountered. And though time has made wise old salts of us all to a degree, I warrant you to think back, as you all must, not at just the good times, but the experience of it all. I’ll always be grateful.. for all of it, every last day, and every last hour, up until bedtime.

    Thanks for the moments,
    Jaz

    • Additional, to leave a bit of an update of my current situation.

      By in those older days I was a recluse, like most, waiting anxiously to run home to see you guys and my other friends on CP. As the years progressed, so did the level of awareness of my existence. Slowly I feel into a year and a half long depression, ultimately prompting myself over and over with the same question, “what was the meaning of it all?” I had fell into the abyss to say the least. That unthinkable dark place where light is just an idea. I spent a couple of months in a ward, dealing with my depression, and I was back on my feet. I got really heavy into running, and became an all-american in high school. Sadly, depression comes in waves. I struggled for the next couple of years, up until now. I’m a chemical engineering major, but I’m taking a semester off because I’m afraid of God knows what. I’m currently working at the Genius Bar/Forum at Apple.

      God, I wish I were cooler by now, but here I am. I hope you guys are doing well.

  3. Club Penguin is closing as of March 29, 2017. This will be your last time for any kind of a meet-up if any one is interested. I hope you are all doing well.

    Peace Out.

  4. Db Penguin, I am trying to research the history of CPAF, is there a way you can give me a list of all the leaders that were in CPAF, in ORDER from first to last?

    • Really? I’m surprised you care lmao. Okay, by leader do you mean leader of the entire thing, or just important people in general? In Hall of Fame there’s a list of the main people who were in CPAF. Honestly we didn’t really keep track of things very well, I’ve deleted everything on the site like 5 different times. But you can go on Wayback Machine and probably find what you need there… maybe.

  5. Rest in peace Pengu….

  6. Hoping you’re doing well. Not gonna lie, I still kind of worry that I might have doomed you to some horrible fate (regardless of anything).

    Saw that this post was edited, and felt like I should say something (because I am paranoid).

    But yeah, offer is still on the table – if you need help, you know how to contact me.

    John (Snowyowl)

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