10 Years Passed   14 comments

“Sometimes I feel like I just sort of let life take me wherever it wanted. I didn’t take any responsibility, you know… I just kind of coasted. I should’ve done things different.”

I wrote something completely different before this, but I decided to delete it all and start over, I want to make it a lot more personal. More like one of my old “drama” posts that I always used to do. I’m hoping this will have more of an effect on people. I know other people must be going through similar things. Plus I feel like talking to someone, even if I’m just talking to myself. I really have no plan for this, so I may go off on a tangent…

I’m about to go into my senior year of college and I’ve been thinking a lot about the past. I just can’t stop thinking about how old I am. Every day I look in the mirror and I discover myself analyzing this new forehead wrinkle I have. It seems like I just woke up with it one day, except that it can’t really have happened like that. I think that’s why I’m so obsessed with it. Time creeps up on you without you noticing. All of a sudden you wake up one day and you’re 21. You don’t notice it happening. Tomorrow I might wake up and be 30. It makes me concerned about how I’m spending my time.

Sometimes it feels like I was at my friend Alexa’s house making a Club Penguin account yesterday. It’s bizarre. This all gives new meaning to the phrase “I’m so much older than I can take” (from the Killers song “All These Things That I’ve Done” in case you were interested). I keep wishing I could go back, although I bet that if I did, I would just do everything the same again, because I’m not sure if I’ve actually changed my ways at all, despite being older.

The way I feel is like this. College is almost over, and I have nothing to show for it. I wanted to use those years to make progress on certain things, but I wasted them on watching Netflix or something – I don’t even know what I was doing honestly. That’s how unfocused I was. For one thing, I wanted to use my college years to get over my social anxiety. But I haven’t done that, and now I only have a year left. After I graduate, it’s going to be harder to find social opportunities because I’ll be working a 9-5 job, and then everyone is too tired to hang out after work, and then soon everyone starts getting married and having kids and then it’s like no one has time for a social life anymore. And I didn’t realize this. It all came on so fast. It seems like everyone else has roots – they have an established group of friends, adequate social skills… so it probably won’t be that hard for them to find someone to settle down with. But me, I’m way behind.

I can see this whole pattern of life unfolding in front of me, and I didn’t really prepare for it. I guess I thought it didn’t apply to me. But the way things really are, it’s like – you graduate college, get a job, get married, have kids, and that’s that. But I don’t know how I’m gonna do any of those things. Because while everyone else was hitting their developmental milestones, socializing and having friends and boyfriends/girlfriends, I was at home reading internet articles. Like I said, I’m not prepared. It’s like I have no anchor, I’m just floating. Other people found a place to belong, but I’m still in flux. I’m scared of getting older and not finding anywhere that I belong. “Belonging is the best.” (Watch Cowboy Bebop.) It seems like I only have around 10 years to do it. I thought I didn’t need anyone but really I do, and it’s a little late for that.

There’s also the issue of my potential. I know it sounds a little vain, but I really thought when I was younger that I would do something important. I thought I was a special person who would contribute meaningful things to this world. But in spite of this ‘potential’ I haven’t really accomplished anything. I have nothing to show for it. People who aren’t as smart as me are doing better than me. It feels like I’m running out of time to make something out of myself, and I’m rapidly becoming irrelevant. Meaning, the older you get, the less people give a shit about you.

My mind is stuck on this ugly mantra that goes, “I could have done things differently but now it’s too late.” Over and over. I just want to try to stop this from happening anymore. How can I avoid wasting the next 10 years? Is it possible to live life without regrets? Is it possible to make the most out of each day? Life is a collection of days, so if I make the most out of each day, then I’ll have lived a good life, right? (This is starting to sound ridiculous.) Look, I just don’t want to waste my time anymore. I don’t need things to be perfect but I want to actually be making progress. I want to actualize myself. So this is kind of an exploration of that. Maybe it’ll help you realize something about yourself too.

In my last post I was phrasing everything as if I was talking about someone else, but really I was talking about myself. When I was a teenager, I had an image in my head of who I wanted to be. I’ve always been pretty clear about that. But I’m not even close to that person. There’s a giant gulf between who I want to be and who I am. I’ve languished. Really I’ve degenerated, into something so far below what I thought I was capable of that it’s making me stop and re-evaluate everything. So I’ve been asking myself why my life turned out like this.

Well, I had this pattern, which seems rather obvious now. I would get motivated by picturing my ideal self in my head, I’d get this hopeful feeling like everything would turn out fine, I would celebrate with some impulsive pleasure-seeking behavior, resolve to do things differently starting tomorrow… and then fall back into old habits, and repeat the cycle. And I sustained this for so long because I thought I had so much time that it didn’t matter. I would just eventually “figure it out.” I put it off for my future self to deal with.

Looking back, I never really took the reins of my own life. I waited around for someone to tell me what to do, or to give me permission to do what I really wanted (which no one will ever give you, by the way). Worst of all, I thought I had all the time in the world. So I treated my life like it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered today because I always had tomorrow.

The truth was, everything I did mattered. Especially the small things. They created me. That’s why I’m like this.

Everything I’ve done has mattered. A sobering thought.

If nothing you do matters, then you don’t have to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions. But if everything you do matters, you have to take responsibility for the consequences of everything you do. So I can see why I avoided it, because that’s a rather heavy burden. But the alternative is to turn into… whatever it is I’ve become, to be honest. But I want more.

I just finished watching this Netflix series set in the Keys (I used to vacation there a lot when I was a kid) called Bloodline, and it had this great line. One of the characters said, “Sometimes I feel like I just sort of let life take me wherever it wanted. I didn’t take any responsibility, you know… I just kind of coasted. I should’ve done things different.”

Yeah. That’s me.

I highly recommend that series, by the way. It’s all about telling the truth. In fact it seems like everything I’ve liked, every piece of art that really spoke to me has been trying to tell me the same thing. I think every meaningful piece of art is a call to action. You act differently because of it, that’s what makes it meaningful. Hopefully this post will inspire you to act differently… I mean it hardly qualifies as art, but…

Thanks for reading my sappy post. I still don’t have it quite figured out, but one thing I’m sure of is that everything I do matters, and I need to act like it, if I want to live a meaningful life. I hope you take that piece of wisdom and tuck it in your pocket, and carry it around with you for the rest of your days.

I really want to talk to you guys and see how you’re doing, so please post something down there in the comments. I want this comments section to be glorious. I’m really hoping that it grows into something we can all look back on years from now and get nostalgic about. If you have anyone’s contact info, would you link them to this post and get them to comment, by the way? I want to hear from you guys… I’m lonely. )’:

Best Wishes,

Danielle

 

Don’t put yourself on the backburner, or you’re gonna let yourself down.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted January 1, 2017 by dani in Uncategorized

After all these years…   5 comments

Yeah I totally stole that title from a Legend of Korra episode.

 

So.

 

If you are reading this, and did not hear

 

WE ARE GETTING THE BAND BACK TOGETHER!

 

We (Snowyowl, Dani, Spike) are currently in the process of tracking down as many old members from this website as we can to organize a chat reunion (which people have asked for forever) in celebration of the upcoming 10-year anniversary.

 

If you see this, please, stop by this chat: http://xat.com/CPAFReunion

 

We could really use your help tracking down more people, and it would be nice to catch up.

 

Make sure to also leave contact info below (email would be best).

 

Thanks,

-Snowy

 

Posted April 30, 2016 by dani in Uncategorized

A Walk Through Childhood   10 comments

So, I’ve done a lot of thinking about this site recently, my memories of it. And I came to the realization: the 10 year anniversary of its creation is coming up next January.

I dont know if that seems as jarring to anyone else, but an entire decade has passed.

And that got me thinking further – we are the first generation with the ability to revisit these things whenever we want.

Because our generation was the internet generation, we can find traces of our activities dating back to age 12.

And its strange.

It feels like it was so long ago, and you gotta wonder where some of these people are now, what they are up to.

So – a bit of a request to anyone who sees this (at any point) –

I’d like you to leave a comment, because I think it would be interesting.

Who are you now, vs who you were back when this all went down (2007-2010)?

What are you up to now? Whats your job, major, etc.

I think it would be interesting, after all these years, to see what happened to people.

 

-Snow/John

__

Danielle/Db Penguin:

Hey guys. So maybe this will be like a little reunion if people see this. I would have liked to come back here all cool and impress you guys with my amazing life, like in the movies when the former nerd shows up to the high school reunion and everyone is like ohh shit because the nerd became super hot. And the former cool guy who was mean to the nerd is all bald and divorced. But I’m still lame. And bald. Hopefully you guys are leading less depressing lives though so tell us about it.

 

Posted April 12, 2016 by dani in Uncategorized

  2 comments

treadmill

Posted March 21, 2015 by dani in Uncategorized

  12 comments

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Posted March 20, 2015 by dani in Uncategorized

Surprises, Confusion & Memories…   9 comments

Ok let’s clear some things up…I didn’t leave or quit purposely…many of u r probably saying “he left…he quit!”…I didn’t…I had a P.C..it crashed.got it fixed…crashed again (gotta love P.C right?)…I finally got a mac for Christmas so no more crashes lol. Second thing is I have noo idea what the new websites are…The only sites I know are the 33509chat.wordpress and dbpenguin.wordpress.com….which are almost inactive. The only chat box I know is the xat 33509 (andd I’m prettty sure thats not the main chat).  Ok and the green day lyrics are about wishing the past was back into the present…but heres something from an unknown poet…

Great Times from the Past are Gone

New Memories Are Bound to Come

But When at a Beach, Always Look at the Water Infront of You

Because The Sand  is Renewing

Let me explain that..You can recreate new memories and great times…but you have to stop looking into the past, you have to stay with the present and future, to add on to that past of great times. Because just as a beach renews its sand, you remake and add  on to your memories. Youth lasts through memories. Memories are made by you. You make your memories every day.

~Gamemastor96~

(ik this sites now for all to see what was and how CPAF is gone but not forgotten..but I just had to say that I’m not gone..so you can erase this because it has nothing to do with cpaf lol)

p.s…happy new years and Could soome1 leave a comment on what the new chat nd website is??

Posted December 31, 2009 by gamemastor in 1356

Hall of Fame   34 comments

CPAF was established February 2007

~~~

“I want to apologize to all of you who i insulted and been mean to in the past. i really didnt stay there for the army. i stayed for the people that was in it. just like how i stay here now. I am hoping that eventually everyone will come back but i know they wont.

i will probably forget about all of this eventually. all i can wish is that you all wont. we wasnt the biggest army in clubpenguin. we wasnt the best. we didnt win the most wars. but we had friend ship within the army. unlike most armies.” 123log

~~~

“Dani” Db Penguin

“Game” Gamemastor96

“Cody” Aang777

“Noah” Fishguitar11

“Jon” Jonnyboy43

“Sean” Snowprince13

“Chad” The Hunter45

Bulbey

Bacon Rulez

“John” Snowyowl

Gargle24

Yoshisrock

Spade13

“Not just some piece of firewood” 123log

“Will” Akash13

“Jay” Gagdon

Spike116

ROBO 94

Afm BOT

“Chao” Zombiedude18

“Jen” Soccerjl

“Izzy” Ooojj2

“Gabe” GTBK

“Anime” Leaf Monkey

“Jack” Agent923

Venomous777

Liquidcorn

“Wil” Incredbel

Lugiaxd20

Dean687

Freezcon

Catisme

Ard906789

Brajatk

Aqua Neos99

Xavier Z

Pancake101

~~~

Posted July 1, 2009 by dani in 1356